Sailing Stones
by orielgriff
Summary: Bella has had a hard time dealing with things that have happened in her past. When Edward comes back into her life can she forgive him for leaving her when she needed him most? AH, Normal Pairings.
1. I can't do this again

**I own nothing…well nothing where Twilight is concerned.**

"Call me if you need anything, or if I did anything you can't figure out," I yelled to Angela as I pushed the door open to leave.

"Ok, thanks Bells. I'm sure everything will be fine. Go home and relax," she replied with an understanding smile on her face.

I could not wait to get into my car and listen to my music; the only thing, it seemed, that calmed me down after ten hours of irate customers. There is only so much a plastered on smile and a "I'm really sorry, what can I do to fix this for you?" can do.

I breathed a sigh of relief as I sunk into my car seat and turned the key in the ignition causing me to jump. I had forgotten that I'd turned my music up loud when I had come to work this morning. _What should I do for dinner? Probably just grab something to make from the store on the way home, _I thought as I turned out of the parking lot.

As I walked to my car with my groceries in my hand, I started thinking about what I wanted to do with my life. On one hand I had my great friends and my great social life that was always there when I needed something to take my mind off my life. On the other hand, part of me couldn't help but think that I should start trying to settle down into a normal life, maybe get some kind of schedule. I knew that whatever I chose would be a moot point; my mind always comes back to the same thing, the same thing that I always thought about when I was alone.

I didn't realize that, with all of my heavy thought, I was not paying attention to where I was going. I slammed into someone and dropped my bags, sending my groceries all over the wet cement.

"Oh god, I am so sorry!" I yelled as I dropped to my knees and scrambled to retrieve my items. "I am so clumsy, I trip over air daily."

"I seem to remember something about 'clumsy being your middle name' Miss Swan," replied a rich voice laced with a hint of humor.

My breathing caught in my throat as I closed my eyes, willing the voice I heard to be a mistake. _Please let this be in my mind, I would gladly admit to being crazy if only this could be a dream,_ I pled with myself. _I can't do this again._

"Bella? Hello? Anyone there?" the voice repeated snapping me out of my reverie. "Will you at least open your eyes and look at me?"

My eyes snapped open only to see the piercing green eyes I knew all too well staring back at me. I could feel my stomach drop to my knees and I knew that I would not survive what was about to happen. "Hello Edward," was all I could think of to say.


	2. What the hell

**I own nothing…well nothing where Twilight is concerned.**

_My eyes snapped open only to see the piercing green eyes I knew all too well staring back at me. I could feel my stomach drop to my knees and I knew that I would not survive what was about to happen. "Hello Edward," was all I could think of to say._

****

"How are you Bella?" his velvety voice replied, the traces of humor gone. "It's been too long."

For some reason, I snapped. "How am I? You want to know how I am?" I cried realizing that I needed to keep my voice down. This was not where I had expected this conversation to take place, but he had asked, right? "I cannot believe that you are actually asking me that. You don't have the right to know what I am doing with my life, you lost that chance three years ago when you walked out of my life."

"Bella, I don't know what –"

"No!" I interrupted, "I can't do it. It killed me the first time and I am just starting to pick up the pieces of my life, the ones you should have been there to help me pick up. I can't do it!" I left my groceries scattered all over the ground as I ran to my car. I could not let him see me cry. After what he did, he didn't deserve anything.

I fumbled with my key as I tried to get it into the lock of my apartment door. As I made it into my living room I kicked off my shoes and threw myself down on my couch. I was thankful that I had the next couple of days off, I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to drag myself off the couch for a while. I curled up in a ball and sobbed. I knew at that moment that I was a weak person. F_or christ's sake, Swan, you can't even see an old friend without falling apart. No wonder he couldn't handle being in your life._

My phone started vibrating sometime during the middle of the night. I had, thankfully, dozed off sometime around 3am and the phone woke me up. I rejected the call and turned it off, I was not in the mood to talk to anyone. _Hopefully work doesn't try to call me; then again, I don't really care._

The next day passed uneventfully; I only got up from the couch to take a shower and heat up some leftover spaghetti. The rest of the time I simply laid on my couch reliving the horror that I knew to be my life. Up until recently I had been getting better at not remembering the nightmare. I could function like any other person, sure I fought my demons when I was alone, but I had been getting so much better. The encounter with Edward brought me back to everything that I had been trying to get away from.

A knock at the door pulled me out of my daze. I decided to just ignore them; hopefully they would go away. The knocking became more frantic and continued until I realized who was at the door. With a groan I got up to answer it.

"Oh Bella! I wish you wouldn't turn your phone off when you get like this. You really need to give me a key to your place. I think that I need to take you out to dinner; we need to talk. You haven't gotten up from your couch, have you?" shrieked my best friend.

"Alice, calm down. One thing at a time," I retorted. It's hard to get a word in edgewise with Alice. She is the most reliable, caring and trustworthy person I know, but she definitely has a hyper streak to her. "I've had a rough night, I don't want to leave my apartment, and I don't want to do anything." Those damn tears just would not stop. I knew that I needed to talk, but I really just wanted to be alone.

Of course, being my best friend, Alice could read my face like an open book. "Oh hon, I am so sorry. I know you want to wallow and be depressed, but maybe I could just stay here with you. We could order in?" She looked at me with wide, pleading eyes.

"Yeah, okay. That would be cool." I stared at her for a minute before blurting out, "I saw Edward last night. I yelled at him" The second part was barely higher than a whisper, but Alice heard me.

"I know. He called me right after you ran away. He won't stop bugging me for your number or address. I think he is pretty confused." She looked like she wanted to say something else, but she stopped there.

"I can't believe he would try to talk to me, after everything he did. He left me Alice! He was my best friend. He knew everything and just ignored me. When I needed him the most – and he knew, he knew I needed him. He knew and he didn't come for me." I paused to take a big breath of air and continued on my uncontrolled outburst. "I can't really blame him, I don't know if I would have been able to deal with that if it had been the other way around. But I thought he loved me, even if it was only in a friendship way. I mean, he…he said he loved me." I collapsed on the floor unable to take the knowledge that the love of my life left me to deal with everything on my own.

Alice wrapped her thin arms around me and held tight. "I don't think he knows," she whispered.

_What – wait, what?_ "What did you say?" I said as I struggled to sit up.

She hesitated for a second as she sat back and repeated, "I don't think he knows."

"Of course he knows, everyone knows, right? You knew, you knew right after it happened. Emmett knows, your parents know. How could he not know?" I grappled with the idea that he may be the only person who knows me and didn't know what happened. "No, he has to know."

"Well, last night, when I talked to him I kind of yelled at him too. I told him he never should have left, especially because of what happened. He got pretty upset and kept saying 'what the fuck happened?' I always assumed that he knew, and we never talked about it because of how strained that topic was. I don't know, Bella, I really think he doesn't know." She kept rambling on about how it was probably because he had left town before all the events unfolded, but I interrupted her.

"Would it change things if I knew that he had no idea anything had happened? He still left me, right? It doesn't change anything." So many ideas and thoughts were running through my head. "Wait, you didn't tell him anything, did you?"

"God no, Bella! But my advice would be to talk to him. I know you are upset and you have every right to be, but he is devastated. Maybe it will help…maybe it will help both of you."

A few days passed and I still hadn't made up my mind about whether to call Edward or not. I was so angry with him, but this news made my mind wander. I needed my mind, and heart, to understand that whatever Edward knew, or didn't know, didn't change the fact that he, my best friend, had left me without any explanation.

_Ah, fuck it, _I thought as I picked up my phone.

"Hey…Alice? Could you do me a favor?"


	3. How could you?

**I own nothing…well nothing where Twilight is concerned.**

"_Hey…Alice? Could you do me a favor?"_

****

"Bella," sighed Edward into the phone, "I am so glad you called."

"Hi Edward, I'm…um…I was wondering if you would like to get together for dinner?" I spewed out as fast as I could get the words out of my mouth. "I don't know if you want to talk to me, but I think it would help me…if you don't mind, that is. If you don't want to get togeth –"

"Bella, Bella, calm down. I would really like it if we could get together, maybe tonight?" Edward interjected. "Would you like to go out, or would you rather do dinner at one of our places?"

I silently breathed a sigh of relief; maybe this would be easier to do than I thought. _Ah, who are you kidding Swan, this is going to be heart wrenching._ "Um, I would rather do it at one of our places, if you don't mind. I'd prefer to not be in public. Tonight works for me too." The sooner I could get this over and done with, the better.

"No," he acquiesced, "I don't mind at all. Would you like to come over here?"

"Yeah, that would work for me." Before we hung up I got directions and we agreed that 7pm would be the best time. I still couldn't believe that I was going through with it. I prayed that I would have the strength to say what I needed to say.

As I pulled into his driveway, I kept telling myself that I could still run away. _No, pull it together and just get it over with. Don't fuck it up again. Just don't fuck it up, _I kept repeating to myself as I stepped out of my car. The door swung open the moment I tapped my fist against the dark wood revealing a man who I knew I could never hate, no matter how hard I tried. I knew that no matter what he did to me, I would never love another the same way I love him. That, in itself, is part of what was slowly killing me from the inside.

We stood there for a short moment just staring at the other person, willing the other one to be the first to speak.

"Hey there," I said softly, "thanks for letting me come over."

"It's no problem at all Bella, you're more than welcome." Edward replied as he took my jacket. "I have dinner started, would you like a glass of wine?"

"That would be great, thanks." _Maybe a glass will help me relax, I can use all the help I can get,_ I thought as Edward poured me a glass and set it on the kitchen island in front of me.

"Bella –"

"Edward –" we both started at the same time.

"Go ahead, you first," Edward allowed.

"Look, I'm just going to say this and I hope you let me finish. I have a lot of resentment towards you and I know, now anyway, that most of it is unwarranted. However, I have been carrying it around for the past three years and it won't be easy for me to just let this go. I'm saying this, not because I want you to respond to me, but because I need to say it: I was in love with you. I have always been in love with you. And I know that you don't feel the same way, I know we were just friends, but there is so much more than that." I took a deep breath before I continued, which Edward misinterpreted as me being finished.

"Bella, I need you to know –" he started.

"No, I need to finish," I exclaimed, "I need to understand something." I closed my eyes. "I cannot believe you left me. Whether you knew what was going on in my life, or not. Or whether you knew what happened after you left. Why did you leave? How could you tell me every day how much I meant to you and then just take off as though it was all a lie? How could you do that…how?"

"Oh Bella, if only I knew that then. If only you knew why I walked away," he said sadly. He looked exhausted, as though he was battling his own demons. I instantly felt bad for bringing all of this back to him. As much as I hated what he did to me, I wanted him to have everything he wanted, even if what he wanted didn't include me. "I don't know how to tell you. Maybe you could go first," he gestured with his hand to indicate I should speak.

"I just…I thought you knew everything. This is going to be hard, I thought someone would have told you," I stuttered.

"Everyone knew that this was a touchy subject for me, no one even said your name around me," Edward exhaled. "It was too hard for me to even think of you, let alone hear how you were doing. But I apologize, please keep going."

"Oh god, Edward. It was so hard. Every morning I have to will myself to keep going, but most the time I don't even know why I do it." I sank down into the dining room chair as Edward followed and sat next to me. "I don't even know where to begin."

"Start from the beginning, Bella." Edward turned his chair so it was angled toward me. "I won't interrupt, I promise."


	4. Start from the beginning

**I own nothing…well nothing where Twilight is concerned.**

"_Start from the beginning, Bella." Edward turned his chair so it was angled toward me. "I won't interrupt, I promise."_

****

"Did you know that my dad and brother died?" I asked.

His eyes widened as he shook his head. "What?" he breathed. "Oh god, Bella, when?"

"Well, you know how Jacob always had issues with drugs? I think he just couldn't handle it. That and Phil was always at him about things. Jake finally couldn't take it anymore and killed himself. It was right after you left." _Oh, that sounded great, _I thought as Edward froze. "No, don't worry. It wasn't about you, no offense. He was only 19; he felt like it was the end of the world. It was really hard on everyone, Phil started drinking a lot and mom took off. I don't hear from her much, just every couple of months when she calls for money. Charlie died last year; it was cancer. They didn't find it until it was too late."

"You were right," Edward murmured, "I should have been here for you. I could have…well, I could have done _something_."

"I watched him die," I whispered as I hung my head. "I watched him take his last breath. Even after everything else that happened, and out of anything that could happen, that will always be the worst moment of my life. It hurt even more than when you left." I didn't even realize I was crying until I felt his fingers wiping the tears from my cheek.

"But there's more, isn't there?" he prompted.

"I always loved you, and right before you left I remember thinking I was going to tell you how I felt. When you left, do you remember what you said? You said 'I'm no good for you, and you're no good for me. I know you'll be happy with James.' You were my best friend and to hear you say that broke my heart. I knew there was a chance that you wouldn't feel the same way about me, but I wanted to try. You left before I could tell you how I really felt. And, at the time, James was the last thing from my mind. He was always too touchy with me, but after a while, with the whole Jake thing, I started to crave having someone who cared about me. My dad was great, but you know how Charlie was, he never really expressed his feelings."

I noticed Edward tense up when I mentioned James. He never got along very well with him. "James," he jeered, "I didn't ever care for him."

"Well, the idea that you planted in my head started to grow. I started to think that maybe you thought he would be a good match for me. And I really thought he cared about me. I just wanted someone to tell me that it would be okay." I lifted my knees up to my chest and wrapped my arms around them. Edward lifted his hand and put it on my hand, squeezing gently.

"James started to drink a lot. He tried to get me to do a lot of things I wasn't ready for. One night he talked a friend and I into coming over to hang out with him and some friends. Jess ended up backing out once we showed up, and in a complete lapse of judgment I decided to stay." Edward's hand moved from mine and I suddenly felt cold. I lolled my head onto my knees and closed my eyes, the images all too real in my head. "It was an awful night, but the worst part is that I don't remember most of it. I woke up in the early morning in one of James' roommate's beds. I was had no clothes on and there was blood everywhere. I realized that I had to get out of there."

I opened my eyes and peered out at Edward. His jaw was tensed and his hands were in fists, the tendons on his wrists standing out. "I told Charlie and the guys involved, James included, were arrested. I testified against them and they all got jail time. Not enough, if you ask me, but something is better than nothing."

I was amazed that I had gotten through the whole story without freaking out. "Dad died about a year after. That was when I felt the most alone, I missed you so much that it hurt." Edward looked at me with anguished eyes, but for some reason I felt serene. There was something so calming about being around Edward. I realized that this, out of everything, is what I missed the most. I missed being able to tell him things that no one knew, knowing that he wouldn't judge me.

I reached my hand out and put it against his cheek, willing his face to relax. It did slightly under my touch, but the pained look was still in his eyes. "I'm sorry to be putting this on you. I was so angry with you for not being there, but now I realize that you didn't know. I'm still angry and wish you could have been there, but I am sorry for blaming you for so much that was not your fault."

"No Bella, you should blame me," he said bluntly. "I should have been there. I'll never forgive myself for leaving you. I thought that I was doing what was right and giving you the life I thought you wanted." He shook his head as he ran his hand through his hair. "I shouldn't have listed to him…" he trailed off.

"Listened to who? What are you talking about? Nothing that happened was your fault, Edward. It was how the cards fell. And a lot of it was my stupid judgment." I countered.

"No. You were my friend, my best friend. I should have listened to you, not some loser who fed me lies. I cannot believe that I actually thought he was looking out for you," Edward angrily murmured to himself.

"Who, Edward, who did you listen to?" I urged.

He lifted his head and stared me in the eyes. "James."


	5. I believed him

**I own nothing…well nothing where Twilight is concerned.**

"_Who, Edward, who did you listen to?" I urged._

_He lifted his head and stared me in the eyes. "James." _

****

My breathing hitched as his words sunk in. _James, _I thought, _what does he have to do with Edward?_

"What about James? You left because of him?" I asked, confused with the whole situation.

"I'm so sorry Bella. I remember that night, the night I left. We were all hanging out at Jasper's place. James and Jake were there too, at least I think Jake was there." He sat trying to remember.

"Yeah, Jake was there. I remember everything about that night." I whispered as I looked down at my hands.

"Oh, Bella." He breathed as he pulled my face up to look him in the eye. "This is all my fault."

"No Edward, this is –"

"No, please let me finish," he pled. "I need you to hear this. I was coming back from the bathroom and I heard James and Jake talking in the hallway. James said something like 'Jake, calm down, I'm not going hurt her.' I could tell Jake wasn't too happy with James, I think he always felt the same way I did about him, but I…you never really…" his voice faded away as he sat in thought.

He suddenly snapped out of his daze, shaking his head. "Anyway, I went into the kitchen to grab a drink and James started saying stuff."

"What kind of stuff?" I interrupted.

"He asked me about you. He said 'that Bella is some girl, huh?' I remember being confused about what he meant, but then he started saying things about stuff you had done." Edward's brow was furrowed and he was trying to control his breathing.

"What do you mean 'things we had done'? I shrieked. "This was the night you left, when he said all this stuff?"

"Mmm hmm," he murmured. "He went into a lot of detail. He said that you two had been sneaking around for a long time. He asked me for advice on things that you liked and what he could do to make you happy."

_I'm going to lose it, _I thought. I was shaking, furious that this was even happening.

"Bella, I was so mad at you. I lost it. I remember thinking that you had lied to me. He wasn't saying it in a cocky manner; he didn't seem like he was trying to rile me up. He said it like he was honestly asking my opinion." He reached out his hand as though he wanted to touch me, but pulled it back when he saw me shrink away. "I should have known. I think in my heart I knew it was a lie, but it hurt so bad to hear someone say that they touched you like that, and knew that you had _let them_. I always felt like you were mine, even though we were just friends." He was rambling now, unsure of how to respond to my incessant trembling.

A small part of me wanted him to put his arms around me and to comfort me, but most of me was outraged with him. I was so upset that he believed James; that he left me because James fed him lies about who I was.

"I remember telling you that you were not good for me. All I could think about was getting out of town. I told myself that this what you probably wanted, but – really – I was just angry with you. It was the biggest mistake of my life, but I truly believed what he said was true. I thought that you had lied to me through our whole friendship and this was how I had to find out." He breathed the last part out, not looking me in the eyes.

I was frozen in the chair. It felt like he had left me all over again. _Snap yourself out of this Swan_. I realized that I needed to get out of there. I needed air; I needed to get away from Edward.

I stood up quickly, causing the chair to fall over and bang loudly on the floor behind me. "Why…could you –?" My mind couldn't formulate a compete sentence. I ran out of the door, forgetting about everything else and jumped in my car. I could faintly hear Edward calling my name behind me as I sped out of his driveway.


	6. I know what I want

**I own nothing…well nothing where Twilight is concerned.**

_I stood up quickly, causing the chair to fall over and bang loudly on the floor behind me. "Why…could you –?" My mind couldn't formulate a compete sentence. I ran out of the door, forgetting about everything else and jumped in my car. I could faintly hear Edward calling my name behind me as I sped out of his driveway. _

****

The next few days passed very slowly. I ended up calling into work and explaining that I needed to take some time off, not that they were too happy about that, but I felt as though I needed to get a grasp on things.

Such a large part of me was in shock, even though I realized I was not thinking rationally about the whole thing. It really wasn't fair of me to put so much of the blame on Edward. I had options, other than James, and I chose to pursue that road _with_ him, not because of someone else forcing me to. The rest of me was split into two contradictory states of mind. On one side I wanted to blame Edward, rationally or irrationally. The other just wanted him to call me. I wanted him to hold me and tell me that I was going to be okay – that _everything_ was going to be okay. But I knew that was not how life went. I had long since taught myself how to deal with things on my own and I was just now realizing that I was not doing a great job of it.

"Alice," I whined, "what do I do?"

"Oh Bella," she sighed into the phone. After a long pause she continued, "I really don't know. I want to fix everything for you and make it okay, but I can't. You need to decide what you want."

"I want Edward." This simple statement made more sense to me than anything else I had ever known in my life. I knew it; deep down I realized I wanted him.

"Then I think you have your answer," she said with a knowing sound to her voice. "I think that you've probably always known that."

"Yeah, you're probably right, Alice," I admitted. "You always seem to be right."

"Hey! Since I'm always right," she exclaimed, "come out tonight with us. Edward will be tagging along and it will give you a chance to meet Rose, Emmett's girlfriend. Jasper will be there too, so you won't have to be with him alone."

"Do you think he would mind, won't it be awkward?" I wrinkled my nose up at the thought of being the fifth wheel if Edward weren't there, but I did not want him to feel uncomfortable after my freak out the other night.

"No, he would be so relieved if he could see you," she chirped. "He hasn't stopped talking about you since you fled the scene at his house."

"Oh god," I groaned as I put my face in my hand, "I am such a lunatic. I'll let you know if I feel like coming, I'll text you later. Thanks so much, Alice. I don't know what I'd do without you."

"Your wardrobe wouldn't be half what it is now, I'll tell you that," she laughed. "Call me later. And remember – I love you!"

So, in the end, I decided to go out. I think I am a glutton for punishment, as I couldn't see this evening going anywhere but in a bad direction. I was so anxious about seeing Edward, and on top of it meeting Emmett's girlfriend. I had heard a lot about her and it looked as though they were pretty serious.

As I walked into the building searching for the group, I saw him. He was standing by the entryway to the lounge and, if I do say so myself, he looked pretty nervous.

He glanced up when I stumbled over the floor mats that scattered the tiles and reflexively bent toward me, extending his hand.

"Bella," he said apprehensively.

"Hi Edward," I said while I looked at my feet.

"Bella…shit, I am so, so sorry, about everything," he rushed out. "I never meant to hurt you, and please believe me, I never meant for any of that to happen."

"I know Edward, I just needed some time to process what you said." I fidgeted with the strap on my purse as I searched for the right words to say. "I really overreacted when you and I talked the other night. I should be the one apologizing."

"No," he replied, "I should have known, I could have –"

"Edward, stop," I said forcefully. "You need to stop blaming yourself for things that are not your fault. I should not have acted that way. I'm in such a bad place right now and I took that out on you. I shouldn't have, and I am sorry. You don't have to keep trying to fix me because you feel guilty, this is something that I need to work through on my own."

"I do feel guilty," he retorted, "but that is not why I want to fix it. I am not even trying to fix it…damn it…I just," he paused and took a breath. "Bella, I want to help you, I want to be there for you. Not only because I feel guilty, or because you're upset, but because I care about you. I wish I could have been there when you were going through things with Jake and your dad. And I would have loved to be able to completely bypass the James thing, but I can't. The only thing that I can do now is be there for you so you're _not_ working through it alone. And, Bella, it doesn't matter what you say, but I'm not going anywhere."


End file.
